Last Entry

Hello.

This will probably be my last entry.

I don't want to look back on what I went through, but I don't want to erase them either.

I'll leave it here and one day, I'll come back.

Peace and love.

Please

Please don't get mad at me...

Reputation

A little over a month into the school year, and I already have a reputation throughout the campus' Asian frat and sorority community. A bad reputation.

So one girl wants to fight me. She is 21 years old. She talks like a bitch. She looks like a whore. She smokes and puffs. She curses unnecessarily, even more than Warren and his friend combined. She knows martial arts, and now she hates me, and wants to fight me.

I can't go out much anymore. I'm toxic. That's the girl I am. I go and infect everyone around me.

I guess... transferring to Binghamton is my only way out.

I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry Warren, because you don't know what's going on. I'm sorry to the person I affected. I'm sorry to the girl I hurt. I'm sorry to the bitch, just because I don't want to get kicked by you. I'm sorry.

Stuff I have to do

Stuff I have to do.

1. Check my mail and cash in my check.

2. Pay $40 for SUNYApp for Binghamton.

3. Buy swimming goggles.

4. Find a job with Dennis.

5. Contact the University and ask why I was fined $40.

6. Stop going on AIM.

7. Stop going on Facebook.

8. Kill my social life here and somehow survive.

9. Swim.

10. Give back $100 to Julianne's mom.

11. Solve my family's problems from 3 hours away, without them telling me about it.


I want to strangle someone.

You let go

When you have responsibility, you won't do such a thing.

So why are you letting it go? Why are you letting us down. Why are you letting yourself down. Why did you give it up so fast? Is that what you think of us? Is that all you can do for us?

I am no longer believing in you.

Adults are Stupid

Adults are actually one of the stupidest creatures in the world. In the universe.

They are selfish. They think they are knowledgeable. They say they have lived long, we should listen to them, they have experienced more. But many times, the children are the brighter ones. Adults choose to make the paths for children, but most of the time, they do not know what they are doing. They mess up. They mess others up. They lose it all.

Adults are stupid and selfish.

I don't want my family to move to Albany. I don't want my mom to go to a school in Albany. I don't want my mom to listen to her stupid friend.

I want a home to go to. I don't want to leave my memories hanging 3 hours away. I want it there.

I want my home there.

Do you remember when we first met? Pt. 2

Do you remember when we first met I sure do
It was some time in early September...

I do remember, I do.

I don't remember how I felt though. I can't feel it anymore. It's empty. I don't feel the blood rushing when I listen to you. You don't appeal to me, I'm not attracted. I'm not crazy about you, and I'm not in love.

I forgot.

What do I do now?

A gun?

I'm going to fucking shoot myself.

Only if I had a gun.

Another Allnighter

Rocky Road Chocolate Hazelnut Coffee. That's what I'm drinking right now, after another all-nighter.

I love not sleeping. It makes me feel strong.

Lately I've been depressed and angry and sad and just lonely. I was trying to look for a way to fix it. Chocolate helped a bit. Chips helped a bit. Yogurt and ice cream helped a bit. I started drawing, it helped a bit. Music helped the most.

And then an all-nighter. And it felt amazing.

When I don't sleep, it makes me feel like I have done something we human are not created to do. It makes me feel like I have ventured out into the unknown. I have discovered something strange yet weirdly wonderful. It's nice to see the dark sky lighten up, and the sun slowly set its way up into the sky. It's nice to see that the colors of the leaves are red. It's so fun to do something out of the ordinary. I feel strong to do something not for the weak.

When I don't sleep, it makes me feel strong.
I feel accomplished.
I feel proud of myself.
And only then, am I satisfied.

Unfortunately, it wasn't followed by a car ride. That would have been amazing, but life just doesn't turn out the way I want it to be. If that were true, it wouldn't be earth.

I hate sleeping

I hate sleeping. It's not fun. It's boring. Especially when I have to share that precious time with strangers I don't even know or love to any degree.

It's a waste of time.

Humans are so weak.

I wish we didn't have to sleep. I wish my body wouldn't scream. I wish I was invincible. I wish I was amazing.

Fuck You

You said you were pretending
Here's to unhappy endings
The joke is on you

Sometimes I think I need to stop trying.
Because life is a one way train ride.
I think, 'fuck it, I don't care anymore.'
I want to punch you in the face.
I want to go berserk in front of you.
I want to kiss someone right in front of your ugly face.
I want to make you so mad, that you won't know what else to do except go kill yourself.
I want to hurt the ones you love.
I want to take what means the most away from you.
I want to fuck with your mind.

I have a philosophy. You have to love others. Not just the way you love yourself, but more. If we didn't love others, what kind of chaotic world would this be?
I can see now that's kind of impossible. I tend to forgive. I tend to forget.
But no one in my life has made me this impatient, this angry, this crazy.
I have never thought this way. I'm a good person. I'm tame. I'm educated.

But I don't want to anymore.

It won't be Warren. It won't be any of my friends.
It'll be me.
I'm going to fuck you up.

I'm tired of Life

I'm tired.

I'm tired of listening to people.
I'm tired of caring.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of laughing.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of sleeping.
I'm tired of being awake.
I'm tired of studying.
I'm tired of talking.
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of lying.
I'm tired of being there.
I'm tired of being here.
I'm tired of me.
I'm tired of everything.

I'm just tired, and I don't care anymore.

I don't like this.

I'm sorry, sorry

I'm confused, I'm so confused.

What should I say?
I'm sorry for what I did 11 months ago. I'm not really sure how you feel about it right now. Can you forgive me as a human being?

Besides that, my brain is jumbled up. It's so tight... I can't find the way out.

Breathing

Lifehouse is an amazing Christian band that makes songs of all kinds.

But mostly, their songs make me cry.

I think he's talking about unconditional and unrequited love. How amazing is that? How amazing would the world be if we loved others the way we could ever love to the extreme.

I cried so much listening to this song.

Life is Confusing and Wonderful

I don't want to go to class.

I should be extremely tired and sleepy. After all, I haven't slept in the past 2 days.

But that's not the case.
I want to stay up. Again.
I want to hear the nothingness of the night.
I want to feel the calm.
I want to hear the birds without the sound of humans.
I want to see the city without life.

And then, I want to see the sunrise. Life will start over, and the day will start again.

I can't though. It will completely shut down my system if I do that.

I'm just thinking a lot.

About love, and what it means to me.
I want to know how far it will get me. I want to know how much love I can hold in me, and how much I can give out. I want to love everyone, but if I love everyone, I don't think I'll have enough for myself. I love Warren, but I don't know if I'm giving him too much or too little. I want to know what love will hold for me in the future.
The word "love" has lost a lot of meaning. I love Warren, and I love green tea. What? Exactly. You know the Eskimos had many different versions of "love." I wonder what happened to English. We generalize love too much, and we end up loving almost everything we see.
Well you know what? I love Warren. And that's love.

About forgiveness, and how it should be emphasized more.
Forgiveness isn't spoken about enough. We buried it away, deep down. It makes me worry. I'm a forgiving person, I forgive easily. But I'm not a fool. I just understand that we are all human, and though it's a horrible excuse, we make the stupidest mistakes. If I didn't forgive you, that would be extremely hypocritical of me. I'm stupid. You're stupid. And we're human. We need to forgive each other for what we've done. To others or to each other. It doesn't matter who you hurt, or who hurt you. What will you do with the grudge? Nothing can come out of that. I wish... people would forgive more often.
It just feels horrible to be not forgiven.

About time and we have no control over it.
I wish we did. You do to? It's a common human wish. There are many things I regret. There are many things I wish I could do again. There are moments I want to live again. But we can't. Somehow, it makes me bitter. It makes me feel weak. Humans are so weak. We can only go on, forward. It doesn't matter what happened in our past. We can only control what is happening now, and we don't even know what's awaiting us in the future. We are so weak and dependent.
I want to relive the moments when my sister and I shared a bed, and we shared secrets of life. I love her, I miss her. I miss the way we were. I miss our relationship. I miss complaining about the cold weather with her. I miss complaining about our cracked window. I miss complaining about our parents. I miss falling asleep together, next to each other.
I want to relive the moment in Searingtown, on November 15, 2008. I want to feel my cheeks become hot. I want my heart to race. I want the blood rushing to my head. I want my fingers to tingle at the touch. I want to see him the way I did then.
I want to relive a lot of moments. If I list them all, I'd be wasting my present time.

I don't know.
Life confuses me. I know what I'm supposed to do here. That's all figured out.
I'm just confused as to how to approach it.

Allnighter Followed by a Car Ride

Pulling an all-nighter with a friend is always more fun than pulling it by yourself.

We sat in the study room from 3 am till 6:30 in the morning. We saw the sky turn red, then purple, then blue.

He took me for a car ride. It was a beautiful ride.

We drove away from the university, away from the houses, away from the cars and the people and the busy working life.
We drove up to the trees, the forest.
I love seeing the colors change on the leaves. The trees were on fire as the sun ray hit the orange and red leaves. They lit up the mountain.

We stopped at viewpoint, and just looked up.
The air was crisp.
The skies were clear.
There were so many trees.

He put in 25cents for me to look through the binocular things.
It was a small but a kind gesture.
I spied a huge wooden house with a lake of their own. I thought about how nice it would be to live there. With someone I loved.

We drove back.
We sang my favorite song, Lucky by Jason Mraz.
We harmonized each other. He was in a band in high school. He sang and played guitar.
I thought of Warren.

I got so much more out of this than I do during the day.

When your alarm won't shut up...

I had a dream that my cellphone won't shut up.

The alarm went off and even though I pressed "dismiss" it wouldn't turn off.
So it kept going. And going.
And ringing. And ringing.

Finally it got to me.
I punched the OFF button. It didn't turn off.
I took out the battery.
It kept ringing.

I threw the cellphone into the wall.
It kept ringing.

I was getting frustrated and annoyed and angry.

I woke up, only to realize that my alarm had been going off for the last 30 minutes, and that I was late for my adviser appointment.

Irrational Fears

We all have irrational fears, and we can't help it. We just fear.

1. Spiders

2. The front and the end of the train.

3. Men with red skin and blond hair and eyes that are lighter than their skin.

4. Heights

5. Death

6. Tightly closed in spaces

7. Too many people in a tightly closed space

8. Sharp things

9. Flying paper

10. Cars, trucks, buses, or any other vehicles that require an engine

11. ...

I think that's it...

I found Love again

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day.

I found it.
I found it.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I remember what it feels like now.
I remember you.
I remember your smell.
Your face.
Your hands.
Your temperature.
I love you.