Confession #4

I'm sorry I said all those cruel things to you.

And if I didn't say it, I sure thought it.
I must have broken your heart so many times. I didn't mean to. Please forgive me, I really didn't mean any of it. I don't want you hurt. I never meant to break your heart. Please forgive me, I'm so sorry.

I don't know when it happened.

I remember when you took me to the zoo and you introduced all the animals to me.
I remember when you cheered me on in my swimming competition.
I remember when you pushed me on a swing.
I remember when you took me to a spa, because I had just gotten a huge flu shot and you wanted to make me feel better.
I remember when you made that chili salad every Saturday, with sour cream and oranges on the side.
I remember when you sacrificed yourself for me, and decided to live in this foreign country.
I remember when you packed me lunch in brown bags.
I remember when you took me to the swimming pool, and we swam together.
I remember when you sang me lullabies until I fell asleep.
I remember when you used to let me sleep next to you.
I remember when you cut apples for me after school.
I remember when you took me to a karaoke, and I sang my little heart out, and we recorded everything, and we listened to it all the way home.
I remember when you bought a journal for me. I wrote all over it and used it up in a year.
I remember when you bought flowers for me after my dance recital.
I remember when you bought flowers for me after my piano recital.
I remember one time I got really angry and upset, and you just hugged me and I started crying. But you still held onto me and said you loved me, and you said everything was going to be okay.

I remember it all vividly. I remember you.
But I can't feel it now. I really want to. I'm so desperate, I want to go back.
But it's not there. Tell me, how do I go back? Help me, I want to know you again. I don't want to remember; I want to feel.

I love you.