My mind and heart rushes when I listen to this song. In this order:
First, I start thinking of my freshmen year of high school. Just the word "FRESHMEN" pops up in front of me, and I see myself wearing tight jeans and a tank top and my black North Face jacket. I am wearing eyeliner and black nail polish. I am naturally skinny, and I have long black hair.
Then, memories start coming up. Some are good, some are bad. And although I have many good memories, simply knowing that I will never be able to go back to experience them again hurts me. I don't mean to sound emo, but my heart feels so tight and my breathing becomes quicker.
I cringe my face. My mouth tightens into a thin line. I try to grasp a memory, to feel it, to feel the vibrations of noise around me, to feel the stench flowing up my nose, to feel the slight but deadly cold breeze gently brushing my neck.
I miss it. I miss it all. The good memories. Even all the bad memories.
If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can see it again. I can see the room I used to live in. I can smell the perfume I put on. I can feel the coldness seeping through my new North Face jacket. I can feel a smile coming on.
But it's not really there. If I know it, it's not there anymore. If I have seen it, it doesn't exist anymore. If I know what it's like, then I know what it was like. I cannot re-know it all over again.
Time sucks. Time is such a cruel thing. Many people look toward their future. They plan magnificent things for themselves, be it cruises, parties, shopping time, having kids, getting the perfect job. Hey, I do that too. I look at the future and think of all the things I want to do. But imagining is a lot easier than going backwards. Because imaginations can take you anywhere you want. But the past only gives you what you already have. Had. But I want it now, and I can't. That's why time is cruel to me.
I swear I'm not emo.
It's just, whenever I hear this song, that's the only thing I think of. This song makes me not just sad, but it makes me nostalgic to the point it hurts me.
Do you remember that time when you were really angsty and emo and you were in junior high or middle school? Remember the songs you listened back then? If you listen to them now, do you get the exact feelings back, all over again?
If you don't, I guess this doesn't apply to you. I get the rush of emotions all over again.
All The Things She Said by tAtU Freshmen year. I remember feeling confused and mentally lost. I remember fully depending on one person, then carrying that to someone else. I trusted people, I gave them all I had. But I could never find one person who actually stuck around. Kind of makes my heart ache because I miss looking around frantically and being a high school freshmen.
Breathe by Anna Nalick When I really got into guitar. I played day and night. And this was basically the only song I could play, along with some Christian songs I learned in Japan. I played this everyday for a month. That's all I did. I ate dinner, took a shower, and played guitar till I went to sleep. Makes me realize how much time I had in the beginning of Senior year.
Autobiography by Ashlee Simpson In the course of 2 weeks, I listened to this song more than 140 times. My family drove from California to New York, and this Ashlee Simpson CD was the only music I brought. My sister and I put it on repeat the whole time. My family, we drove from place to place, looking for hotels or just any place to sleep, while trying to get to New York in time. Reminds me of chaotic freedom.
Never Alone by Barlow Girls Japan. I went on a Christian Missions to Japan in the summer of 2008. We made a skit with this song, and personally, I thought it was amazing. No words, just actions. And we all know actions speak louder than words. It touched me, and I cried the first time I saw it. Reminds me of... my very Christian self back in the summer.
Where is the Love by Black Eyed Peas Somebody used this song in 10th grade World History class project. This is the only song I remember, out of 30 songs. And this is the only song my class liked. Reminds me of how boring my class was (sorry mister teacher, if you're reading).
Everytime by Britney Spears I hate this song. It leaves me this feeling of emptiness and this eerie feeling. I don't like the melody. I don't like her voice. I don't like the video. It creeps me out a lot. Fighter by Christina Aguilera I took dance lessons in 7th grade. We made a dance to this song for our recital, but changed a week before the performance. It was a good dance, and I have no idea why my teacher decided to change. Oh, how young I was back then. Oh, how I did not care about anything in the world. I miss that feeling.
Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson I realized I had a crush on my to-be-boyfriend. He let me listen to this song from his mp3 the same week I figured out I liked him. Whenever I listen to this song, I'll always think of him (as corny as it sounds, it's true). I'm Yours by Jason Mraz So I had a crush on my to-be-boyfriend, and this was my favorite song back then. It gives me a happy feeling. It makes me smile. This is a good song. Daughters by John Mayer I asked my friend for song suggestions. She had over 2000 songs. She suggested this one, probably because she knew my family background. I think she tried to make me feel better. It helped. She's a wonderful friend, and this is a wonderful song. It kind of reminds me of hope. So Kiss Me by Katie Melua Alright the original is done by New Found Glory, but I like this one better. It's singable. The original was too fast and I just could not catch up with it. I found this song a bit late, but nonetheless, still had mesmerized me with it's overly cute lyrics. I guess it's what I always look for. A very story-like, cute, romantic and a bit cheesy love. Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson So I got to New York from California. Right away, I knew I did not belong. I sang this song throughout all of 8th grade, because this song and I, we just knew we were meant for each other from the beginning. New York was so different. It wasn't really hard trying to fit in and make friends, but this song reminds me of how uncomfortable I felt during 8th grade. I wanted to go home. I'm listening to it now. I want to go home, to California. Everything by Michael Bublewith the accents and all Another boyfriend song. I said it like it doesn't mean anything, but it does. I don't remember when he sent the link to me, but I remember we went to the Apple store one day, and decided to test out those new iPod nanos. The one we listened to was playing this song. It makes me warm and smile. Savin' Me by Nickelback I would not have found Nickeback if it wasn't for this song I randomly found on a fanfiction website that I never go to, except for that one occasion, because I was bored and I wanted to read something to fill my brain. I clicked on something random, and the author/blogger had a link to this song on YouTube, with a story that followed. I was very touched by the lyrics and searched for more of Nickelback songs. I fell in love. This song, and all the rest of their songs remind me that life is... life. I've got to live it. Go With The Flow by Queens of Stone Age My friend in California. I can't go into details. Whenever I listen to this song, I kind of feel shameful. It's similar to the feeling I got in freshmen year, just in different emotions.
Agni Kai by The Track Team Reminds me of an anime/manga/cartoon/comic geek I used to be. I still am to some degree, just not as severe.
image from Bing.com. psst, it's going to take over the world.
