Confession #6

This is another Confession. Only to you.

Two days ago was Monday. It was the day my mom yelled at me for asking to go to Spa Castle. She yelled at me, saying that I go out too much. She said I should be using this time to study, using this time to get ready for college, using this time to prep up my studying skills, using this time efficiently, blah blah, don't hang out too much, junk, junk, whatever she said, don't hang out with friends, blah blah, wasting time with friends, blah, you're foolish, you're a failure, you're not the daughter I knew before, you're not the same, you've changed, you're not Helen, you're gonna fail out of school and live on the streets, and I don't want that to happen, but it's going to happen because you just keep fucking explaining it, and I'm going to fail at life. Yes, that was the day.

And as Mom yelled and me and my sister, my sister just goes downstairs in the middle of the lecture. She then proceeds to go out to our friend's house.

I realize 30 minutes later, all of my friends are there. My boyfriend is there. My usual crew is there. Except me, because I am the first child, I am getting the blame, I am sitting at home doing nothing because I don't want to get in trouble.

I sat on my bed for 2 hours. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. I didn't want to watch anything, I didn't want to read anything, I didn't want to look at the screen. I wanted to go out, and that was it. So I sat on my bed, just thinking. Thinking and thinking.

Around 6 o'clock in the evening, I grabbed my sketchbook and my bag of pencils, and I went out. I walked to the elementary school playground.

And I cried. I cried and I cried, and I drew what I wished would happen to me. I drew the world as it appeared to me. I drew love as I felt it at that moment. I cried and cried, and the world was not fair.

I spotted a few of the crew walking towards the elementary school. I walked to another playground and sat inside, kind of hiding, kind of not really. They passed me. I stayed out until 9 o'clock.

Just so you know. It was the crappiest day of my life.