A dead man in my bathroom

I was in another dorm. Again. Every dream, different dorms.
A room and a bathroom. The shower stall had curtains. I opened the curtains, and there was a body of a man, naked, dead, scratched up and bubbled. I screamed and ran downstairs with the girls I was with.

I was thrown into a blow-up pool. It was 12-feet deep, and the water flowed in a circle, like a whirlpool.
Every chance I got, I grabbed onto the side handles and deflated it.
Little by little.
Then I would be swept away by the waters.
I dove and when I tried to come back up, a hand would be there, preventing me from going out.
Preventing me from breathing.
I choked.

There was a scandal. Corruption within the youth.
People started sexual activities at a young age.
4th grade, the girls were giving the boys blow jobs.
I was shocked.
I did the only sane thing.
I pushed all of them off each other and prevented them from getting close.
Those elementary school kids are more determined than possible, but so was I.

I came back to my dorm alone.
My dorm was quiet. The girls weren't with me anymore.
I peeped into the bathroom and I bent down to look under the curtains.
I saw feet.
I opened the curtains anyway.
The body was still there. Just standing, as if hanging.
He was looking at me.
My heart dropped.
I turned my body away from him, towards the door, but it moved too slow.
I reached for the door knob, but my arms were frozen in place. It was so rusty.
The door was too heavy.
I ran outside and ran down the stairs, screaming for help.

My first exam score

I got a fucking 52 on my Exploration of Space exam.

I want to go punch something right now. Right now...

And the average was a 70!! I'm nowhere CLOSE to that average!!

I need to study harder for the next one!!

I'm not you...

You are different, because you're not me, and I'm not you.

I really hate how you want to force your way into me. You want to force your thoughts, force your mind, and you want to shape me into what you want to be. You want to live through me. You want me to be your clay.

I don't know if you realized by now, I'm sure you have.
I have different family values than you.

You say family is supposed to do stuff together. Talk to each other. Share our deepest darkest secrets, our emotions. Call each other everyday, update each other, go out and eat dinner, because family dinners are a huge deal, aren't they?

I say, family is there for you, no matter what. We fight, we ignore, we declare our freedom at the age of 18. We may not see each other for a long time. But when we're back, we're there for each other. I think that's what family is.

You're crazy.

It's not the same

It's gone. It's not there anymore.

When I smell it, it brings back memories.
When I hear it, it brings back memories.

I love the memories.

But I don't feel the same anymore.

Why?

Alcohol and Grass

Alcohol and illegal grass do not mix. I don't recommend it. It makes you feel like poop.

I'm not joking, don't try it!

[Edit]

I don't remember writing that above.

I hate it when...

When I'm complaining, I just want you to listen. Don't tell me a way to solve it. I don't want to solve it. I don't want your help. I don't want a solution. I just want your ears, so just pity me and don't tell me what to do.

Seriously, I hate it when people do that.

Like when I say "it's so frustrating, I don't know what to do!"

Then they say "well, you could do this..."

That's one of my least favorite sentences in the world. I hate it when they say I could do this or that. I don't fucking want to do this or that. I just wanted you to listen, why are you telling me to do things now?

I hate it even more when they outline everything for me, what I should do, what I can do, and then they say "It's entirely up to you" or "whatever you want."

I hate it. So fucking much.

So when I'm complaining, don't tell me what to do, don't tell me what I can do. I fucking know. I'm not retarded. I'm just complaining because I don't want to keep it in. I'm not looking for someone to solve anything for me.

I'm cruel and angry and frustrated right now, I may sound cold-hearted. But this is how I feel: Shut your mouth and listen.

I was Sober!

It was nice knowing what I was doing, and being conscious. On the other hand, everyone else was unaware of what they were doing. And it was nice helping them, and knowing that I was conscious while doing so.

Some threw up, some passed out, but in the end everyone got home safely.

And later on, I rewarded myself with some goods. And also tried hookah. Hookah is not good for you. I knew that. I just wanted to see what it was like. And it tasted good! But I'm not going to try it again, because I don't want to shorten my lifespan or kill myself from the inside. So yeah.

Peace and Love

PARTY! in my dream

I think I'm nervous for the party tonight. I shouldn't be. I've been to numerous parties.

I dreamt about it.



I dreamt that we were late. It was raining, and we had to make a stop at a store to buy something. We waited outside while one person bought. There was another group of people waiting for someone else as well.

I then mentioned the party to my friends. The other group of people heard, and they came to me.

"You're going to the party too?" one of the guys asked.

"Mhm," I answered.

One of them was really cute. I've seen him before, I just don't remember where.

He sat next to me on a bench, and we started talking. He touched my legs gently. We continued talking.

My friend came out from the store. I stood up to leave. The cute guy looked disappointed, but I told him I'll see him at the party anyways. We said our byes, and we parted.

My friends and I never got to the party. We got lost in the rain. We parked somewhere and just hung out in a playground-like place.

There, I don't remember what happened.

The next thing I remember is driving his car around the parking lot for fun. It was a very expensive blue car. And I was not a good driver at all.

He freaked out and chased after the car. I giggled and laughed. It was too funny in my dream. I drove around and around, making him chase the car.

Finally, I stopped. He was out of breath when he opened the driver's door and nudged me to get out. I got out and he took the car and parked it and protected his car, making sure no one got to it.



People were smoking. Most of my friends in Albany smoke. I was used to it.

The rain turned black. I mentioned it. Somebody said it was chocolate. I giggled.



My dream, was not funny at all. I just kept laughing anyway.

The Perfect Dorm

My own home.

It was like a dorm, but not at all like one.
There were windows on top, and windows on the side. Even with the slightest angle of the sun, the room was dazzling. It felt like hot chocolate in the winter, and ice cream in the summer.
It was a very long room, with two beds and two desks. The bedsheets were there for us. The lamps were there for us. The room shone bright for us. Only if the room were real. It would be the perfect dorm, the perfect place to live, the perfect place to study, the perfect place to sleep, the perfect place to dream.

The gym.

It was the exact same gym I went to on Tuesday. The gym on State Quad.
But the equipments were piled on the side. The treadmills, the elliptical, the bikes.
I wanted to run, I wanted to bike, and I wanted to try the elliptical for the first time in my life.
I grabbed one of the elliptical machines and started working on it. But it was broken.
I grabbed one of the treadmills and started running on it, but its bottom was broken and it couldn't stand.
And I couldn't grab the bike, because suddenly, there was a flood of people. They all swarmed in and I was squished and pushed me.
Then there was water, and only the strongest of the people stood. It was me, my sister Sarah, her friend Michelle, and a few others I couldn't recognize. It didn't make sense because I believe Michelle is not strong at all.
Somehow, the water made everything so much more beautiful. Everything sparkled, just like the room before. A fountain was made in the middle of the room, and the sun came through and bounced on the surface of the water.
I, for an odd reason, still held onto a treadmill. I raised it above my head, so it wouldn't get wet.
Then Sarah attacked me. She tackled me. I almost lost my balance but gained it back.
Then Michelle and Sarah both tried tackling me, but I moved away faster than them.
And so the tackling and the running continued in the water. The fountain was still running. The surface of the water was still blinding.
And we were fighting for a treadmill.

The stealing.

Me, Warren, and a few more of us were dressed in black leather.
It was night, it was cold, and my heart was pumping. I was excited and nervous.
I don't remember how we did it, but we did it. We broke into a mega-mansion and became thieves.
And we stole a DVD-VCR player.
A freaking DVD player that we could have just bought from Best Buy.
But we stole it anyway.
And the alarm sounded.
I heard sirens and the wings of the helicopter starting. The sirens got closer, and the wings of the helicopter made wind.
We ran.
A group of us got into a car, and we threw the DVD player in with them.
Warren got into a motorcycle and circled around me. Another motorcycle started automatically, and started following Warren. I was supposed to chase it and ride it, but I just couldn't.
Warren and the empty motorcycle ran off without me, leaving me to the sirens that just came closer and closer.
I closed my eyes and envisioned myself catching up to the motorcycle and riding on it.
And when I opened my eyes, I was on the motorcycle.
We, a car and two motorcycles, sped along the winding paths of the mountain. The moon was full, and the night was chilly.
The chase had just begun.

The sirens got closer and the lights from the helicopter were just above us. Every time we sped up, they sped up as well.
It got dangerous when they took out their guns.
It wasn't just a game anymore.
They aimed for our feet. I managed to dodge all of them for the first few minutes.
Then they gave up. They aimed for our head.
Warren somehow pulled through and managed to disappear from sight.
I, on the other hand, began to slow down. My bike wasn't listening to me. It slowed down, and the cops caught up.
One of them aimed for my head.
I moved my head a little to the left, and the bullet scratched the right side of my head. I felt pain, and I touched my head. I was bleeding.
The cop must have been a new one, because he dropped his gun from shock and slowed down.
Warren came back and asked me if I was okay. I was alive at least.
The sirens were gone, and the lights from the helicopter weren't there anymore.
We continued riding through the winding road of the mountain.

Music Box in my Brain

Songs floating around in my brain. I want them in there. There's a music box in my brain.

1. Say It's Possible by Terra Naomi
2. 99 Times by Kate Voegele
3. Pixar's UP Soundtrack by Pixar?
4. Time is Running Out by Muse
5. Killer Queen by Queen
6. If This is Goodbye by Lifehouse
7. Gone cover by Madeline (originally by Jack Johnson)
8. Listen to Your Heart by DHT
9. Breathless by Shayne Ward
10. Fast Food Folk Song by Rhett and Link
11. 32 Songs in 8 Minutes by Freddie

That's it. For now. By brain might play more songs.

Peace!

You can't have Everything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

I don't want words of wisdom. I don't want a solution from you. I don't want to speak.

I just want your presence.

I can read your mind

I don't want to forget this dream.

I flew again. For the first time after high school has ended. It felt so good, but different. It was as if I just learned how to fly, when in fact, I had flying my entire life.

So the dream started in Warren's house. It wasn't his house, but in my dream it was. We kissed and we hugged. I missed him so much.

I needed to go to the bathroom, so I started searching for it. It was a one floor house, but there were too many rooms. I opened up all of them to check which were the bathrooms. I found two in the end, but didn't go to either of them. I opened up a cabinet and found Warren hiding there. He cracked up and we both started laughing.

I asked him a question. He didn't answer, but he thought. And there, in front of me, were the subtitles to his mind. I read his mind.

He asked me a question. I didn't answer, but I thought. And there it was again, the subtitles to my mind. We were both able to see each other's thoughts.

Next is when I flew. Warren, his house, his sister, his parents, and everything I just had disappeared in the blink of an eye. Instead, I was in the sky, looking down into the smallest towns below.

And I mean small. Literally. They were tiny, tiny towns with tiny, tiny houses, and if I stepped on it, I would have ruined a city. And mind you, these houses and towns were floating on small pieces of rocks. I flew and dodged them because I didn't want to destroy the homes.

One rock of a town interested me. I went closer. It was hard to fly because I kept flying up when I wanted to stay. I kept falling down when I wanted to stay. It took me a while to get used to flying again.

I looked over the small town and found a tiny box. It was a very pretty box, with opals and diamonds decorating the surface. I opened it. There was a paper star I love to fold.

Just one.

I unraveled the paper star. Unraveled and unraveled.

There were writings on it. Letters I've never receieved, minds I have never read. They were to me. Some were written. Some were thoughts.

"I'm sorry" one of them read.
"I'm sorry I was so mean to you."

I kept reading. The letters and thoughts never ended.

But my dream did.
And that's all I remember.



Image by purplerainistaken

It's gone!

You ripped it out, didn't you?
Or maybe you froze it.

I can't feel it.

Yeah, Rub it in my Face

You keep rubbing it in my face.
So are you. And you.

Everybody's rubbing it in my face.
You don't think I know? Oh, I do know.
I know the mistakes I've made.
I know they were wrong.
I'm telling you I know.

So why do you all keep rub it in my face?
How many more times can I say sorry without being lectured again?
What exactly do you want me to do?

No, don't tell me. Because you're going to rub it in again.

Bye.

I won't let you murder it

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out...

You're taking everything away from me.
The friends I've made here.
The happiness I found.
I thought I belonged.
I thought I found the ones I'll love.
But you, selfish as you are, took them away.
And you won't let me near.
You won't forgive.
You won't forget.
I'm human too.
I can make mistakes, I can love, I can hate, I can cry, I can smile, I can fake.
Same with you.
I hate you so much, and I don't understand you.
I won't let you.

Peace.

Time Warps are Purple

I went to bed at 2 in the morning, but I couldn't go to sleep until 4am. I tossed around, looking up into the dark, bumpy, cheap, dorm room ceiling, not really thinking, but not really not thinking.

When I did go to sleep, I had one long funky dream.
And because it was so long, I don't remember the whole thing.

I was running around in a playground. Running, running. Going down the slide.

There was a weird purple time warp. All of us got sucked in. When we came back out, we were not ourselves anymore. I, for one, had bigger eyes, and my hair was a tint of purple. Others had a wooden leg, plumper lips, etc.

I didn't know who I was. I looked into the mirror and did not know I was looking into the mirror. I was prettier, but it was too strange.

Something else happened. But I don't know what. We traveled through another warp, but I don't know what we did during our travel. Something, just don't remember.

That's not it. But that's all I can remember.

Tila is my Role Model

I was just thinking about random things in the shower.
I thought about different role models I've had. Some lasted and are still my role models, some were evanescent. Either way, I'm listing every role model I can remember.

At least the ones that I can remember right now, which isn't that much.



Tile Tequila. If you don't know her, you're living in a hole. She slowly gain fame in infamous ways. She did so many things I wish I was brave enough to do. She's has her own personality. She was my role model in 9th grade, she still is now. No, I'm not crazy.


Younha is a Korean singer, who debuted in Japan because Koreans were nasty and told her she was not pretty enough. Stupid Koreans. I love you Younha, your voice is wonderful, you are beautiful, please continue singing.


I don't want to tell you who she is, because you're just going to think weirdly of me. Okay fine, her name is Sasha Grey. Don't look her name up on Google when your parents or your siblings are there. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. And isn't she gorgeous? She became so independent at a young age. I want to learn how to do that. Therefore, she is my role model.


My latest. She became my role model in the last three days. She's hot. She wears black. She's not bubbly. She can dance. I aspire to be like you, Ga-In.


Just thought you should know who my role models were, not that you care. Now you know. Hah, more useless knowledge in your brain.

Peace and love ;)

Look at All those Fancy clothes

Look at all those fancy clothes
But these could keep us warm,
just like those.

I can't live without music. But I'm not a pod-head. I don't have earphones in my ear all the time. I appreciate beat and rhythm. I love passion in the voice. I love pure instruments. I love the pure guitar, pure piano, pure violin. But in the end, it's the lyrics that take me away.

Do you hear the passion in her voice?
Do you see the precision in her fingers?
Do you see the way she moves?

Music is lovely.

Do you remember when we first met?

Do you remember when we first met? I sure do
It was some time in September.

It's for the best, I know.

I miss you.

He hates me

I finally figured out why you were and are so mad at me.

And I have to complain, how was I supposed to know? I forgot everything from that night. I didn't know I made a girl cry. I didn't know what I did.

But I'm still going to say, I'm sorry. I am.

I was naive, I didn't know anything. My mind was young, and I have not yet learned how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I have never been hated this much. Can you blame me? I guess now I know how it feels to be hated, to be ignored, to be avoided, to be talked about.

You were a great friend. I loved being around you. You were a great person.

I guess I'll stay away from you now. I'm sorry for screwing up. It won't happen again.

Delete

So it's not temporary. It's permanently gone.

I'm sorry it had to end this way.
I'm sorry for being a horrible girlfriend.
I'm sorry for being so stupid.
I'm sorry for being a whore.
I'm sorry for being a slut.
I'm sorry for being such a bad person.
I'm sorry for saying sorry so much.

I'm going to miss you so much.
I'm going to miss your scent.
I'm going to miss your smile.
I'm going to miss Panera, because it reminds me of you.
I'm going to miss your playfulness.
I'm going to miss your voice.
I'm going to miss your philosophy.
I'm going to miss talking with you.
I'm going to miss having pointless conversations with you.
I'm going to miss touching you.
I'm going to miss Aleah.
I'm going to miss your family.
I'm going to miss your house.
I'm going to miss your room.
I'm going to miss playing Smash with you.
I'm going to miss your hair.
I'm going to miss your cool shoes.
I'm going to miss you calling me Kirby.
I'm going to miss you poking me and calling me Pillsbury Dough Boy.
I'm going to miss spending the last year with you.
I'm going to miss your voice.
I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss you so much.
I'm going to miss everything about this.
I'm going to miss losing to you in Balloono.
I'm going to miss your obsession with Star Craft.
I'm going to miss you.

I hope you feel all right.
I hope you feel okay.
I hope you can forgive me.
I hope you can get over this.
I hope you can find a better girlfriend.
I hope you can recover fast.
I hope you can find a better person than me.

I love you.

I'm sorry

So everything we've been is put on hold. The 10 months we've been together is on a pause.

I was so stupid. I'm so stupid.

I still love you so much, but I'm a horrible person. I'm a terrible person. I'm a monster. I can't let someone I love be with a monster.

So during this break, I'll work on getting rid of the monster. I'll be the girl I was when we first met. I'll turn back to the person I was before I came to college.

I'm sorry this is all my fault. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm sorry, I'm just sorry.

And thank you, for being my best friend. For being the best person. For being the nicest guy. Thank you for waiting.

In the end, I'll figure it out. I'll find a way.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I can't..

I feel weird. I'm not entirely empty, but I don't feel satisfied either. I'm so sad, but I'm too empty to feel sad.

I hate myself. I can't forgive myself. I can't forget myself.

Where did I go wrong

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Tell me how to fix it. I will.

Forget Forget

I want to forget everything that happened yesterday. I want to forget. I want to forget. Please make me forget. I don't want to remember.

Isn't there some drug that makes you forget? I want to forget. I want to forget.

I can't forgive myself.

This is what happened

Apparently there were like 5 Asian guys hovering over me to get to me. And one of my friends were just watching from the side.

He told me somebody yanked my wrist. Someone else grabbed my arm. And I was trying to get away from them, or so he said.

I would like to remember that.

High + Drunk

Getting high feels good.
Getting drunk feels good.

But getting high and drunk together at the same time, doesn't feel so wonderful. I thought I was going to puke and pass out. I did pass out when I got to my dorm, but thank god it was my dorm.

Now, onto my 1:40 class.

Canceled class

My 10:15am class is canceled. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Of course I'm also the luckiest girl in the world to have Warren.

So therefore, I'm the luckiest person in the entire universe.

This is so funny. It's like high school. College is like a huge high school. A really, really big high school. It's harder to find people you like. It's hard to find friends similar to the friends in high school. It slaps responsibility into your face. It takes all your money away. And it makes you so freaking lazy.

That's what I think of college so far.

Broken

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there's the healing
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holding on.

I'm still just as lost.

I'm so lost...

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go

Hey.
I'm a greedy girl.
I can't make sacrifices.
I cannot keep promises.
I can't make you happy.
I'm a monster.
And,
I'm really lost.

But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down

I'll keep it simple.

I'm sorry.